MY SACRIFICE

“She seems like an interesting person.” I should get to know her more. No, am not planning to enter into a relationship with her, I just want to get to know her. Maybe find out more about her: what she likes or dislikes. I would like to hang out with her a little bit. Maybe visit the places she visits. Eat what she eats and drinks. That way, I would have gotten the opportunity to dine with her. What a great opportunity that would be! I can’t wait to see her next time. Maybe I should show her that I am interested in getting to know her more. Maybe I should give her my undivided attention by in-boxing her via face book. Or maybe I should take her out for lunch? I need to really impress her so she can get to know me for who I really am. Maybe I should ask my mum for cash to print handouts then I can use that to take her out for supper. Do I still have some loan money left? I think that can pay for the taxi ride back from town. That will make me look really good. I hope she likes me. Wait, I am not trying to go out with her, I just want her to want to get to know me the way I want to get to know her.

That supper was nice. I hope I have enough money to foot this bill. Do I still have that KSh. 1000 note I withdrew from the ATM? I hope so, I wouldn’t want her to think that I dint have money to take her out. (This is not a date. It’s just a kind gesture so that she can know that I am a really generous person). I used it to pay for our fair. I wish we would have boarded DA Shuttle, it was just there. But I can’t risk looking like a cheapskate on our first date. Sorry, I meant on our first friendly supper in town.

She looks perfect today, as always. She will make such a lovely girlfriend, oh, sorry, I meant friend who is a girl. She seems to love life. She is really lively. She says she doesn’t drink. But she loves all night partying in clubs and club hopping. She is never at home on Friday nights. She says one needs to once in a while, break loose and just do something that is out of character. I like her. She is not ashamed of who she is and she knows herself all too well. She has missed quite a number of Sundays of church because she usually wants to catch up on her studies before the weak starts. She is really focused on her future. I like that about her.

She likes many other things too. She doesn’t have a bible. She figured that her younger sister needed it more since she taught Sunday school. That is very generous of her. She says that she admires her sister very much. She wishes she were more like her sister; patient with the screaming children, having the zeal to want to change them. I hear she was as dedicated to the church as her sister, but one misfortune, and her sister and she chose different paths. It must have been really difficult for her: whatever it is that happened. I don’t want to ask her right now because it may spoil the course of events this evening. Plus, she may think am nosy and she may find me too judgmental. I’m sure she has someone to talk to. God please help her.

I tell her about myself. No one has ever listened to me the way she has. I tell her about Concert Family. She asks, is it like C.U. (Christian Union)? Should I say yes or no? Is this a trick question? If I say no, then it means that we are not a Christian group. If I say yes, then she will equate it to church which she doesn’t go to. Maybe I should change the topic, otherwise I will end up looking like an overly religious dude, going for a Family meeting on Monday, going for Thespians Drama practice on Tuesday,  going for Bible study on Wednesday, going for Dance practice on Thursday, choir practice on Friday, Morning Glory on Saturday, Church and finally  Editorial meeting on Sunday.

It’s not really like C.U. I say. It is ok, I guess. (Maybe I should invite her for Monday family meeting). I can’t. She will think it’s a date and I will look like I don’t have game. Besides, it will be awkward worshiping when she is standing next to me. She probably won’t like me after the meeting, not after she has seen me crying out to the lord in pain. The pain that am going through will make me look weird in her eyes, if she ever finds out. I think it would be better off if she doesn’t come to the meeting.

I walk her to the door of her room. We both agree it was a lovely date. Yes, it was a date! I hadn’t even intended it to be a date. She seems to like me and I seem to like her too. A give her a good night hug and tell her I’ll call her tomorrow, she smiles contented. I walk off to my room in the cold. The sky looks beautiful. I should have pointed out god’s creation when I was walking her to her room. Too bad I couldn’t, I can’t afford to make her uncomfortable with Jesus-talk, on our date. I plug in my earphones and the song that was on pause was that of Casting Crowns. The lyricist says, “…we can be passionate about what we believe, but we cannot strap ourselves to the gospel coz we are slowing it down…,” and at that moment, I knew that I was one of those people; thinking that I am the only way to Jesus, slowing down the gospel by my insecurities, pretenses, idealistic views, compromises and selfishness.

I had decided that she is not ready to talk about her experience that made her lose faith in Christ our father. I had looked at her ways of the world and misinterpreted it to be her generosity, focus, knowing herself all too well. I had decided to take her out on a date convincing myself that it was just a kind gesture on my part. I completely misrepresented myself as the dude living on the high end of life. Apart from that, I misrepresented the kingdom of God, as that one which tolerates all that we humans do as long as it is for a good reason. So many times, she tried to seek answers from me about God’s kingdom, and even told me that she wishes she was like her sister. She was screaming for salvation. I was too busy to hear her silent screams because I was trying to look like the perfect, ‘cool’ dude who was neither too religious nor too rowdy. Simply put, I was trying to prove that I could be lukewarm and get away with it. And all that time, she didn’t even care much for that. She was just hoping for answers and someone to lead her in the right direction, show her the way.

I woke up thinking about my day out with this girl. I sacrificed my loan money (also my upkeep money), I went to the barber, I almost went for a manicure, and I even showered twice today. I considered this girl to be very important. Everything I did today, I did for her. I withheld information about myself so I could be the perfect man. I footed the bill (that wasn’t cheap by the way), I heard everything she said, and trust me, she said a lot. I sacrificed a lot today.

I wish I would have spent this day differently. I would have started by praying and telling the Lord to show me the areas of my life where I do not trust Him: that I may look to Him anew. That I may be able to sacrifice that which I love so much here on earth if it will be for His glory and honor: That I may know that my sacrifice is worth it if it brings one more person to the Kingdom. After all, the ultimate sacrifice is the sacrifice that costs you those you love.